New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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