come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
