I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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