There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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