Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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