If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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