im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
