She tied me up with her honor cords...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
