You smell like a Billy Joel song
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
