Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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