im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
