Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
