____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
