sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
