i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
