Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
