Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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