I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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