At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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