meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
