The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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