Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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