Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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