Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
