I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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