Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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