Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize