I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize