She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
