so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
