If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
