Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
