You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Panties = found
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