Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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