two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
