You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
