I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
