Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
