I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
