if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
