Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
