WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize