I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
