I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
