I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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