i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
