so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
