I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
