At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize