Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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