I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
