If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
