i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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