There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
