if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
