I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
