My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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