Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
