he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
