Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
