the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
